I'm sure we all agree, that although we can empathize, &
relate, it is never easy to know that someone else is feeling
"blue."
I am discovering a very profound truth in my journey, that
is a bit disturbing, yet I find calm in these sentiments as well. As you all know, sometimes the words escape us,
so bear with me while I try to explain.
My thoughts are something like this:
I have felt "punished" for so long....you know the
line of thinking...."WHY ME? WHAT
DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I JUST WANT TO
BE THE "OLD" ME AGAIN!"
These same thoughts played over and over in my head, and have for the
past few years. Even just prior to
surgery, I kept thinking..."YES!
FINALLY! I WILL HAVE SURGERY, AND
THEN I WILL BE THE SAME OL ME AGAIN!
YEAH! That thought was a huge
comfort going into the hospital. I clung
to that like it was oxygen itself.
Sadly, as my recovery progressed in a fashion that I didn't like, I
clung to those thoughts and continued the judge myself and my recovery. This of course had brought on some very
"LOW" lows over the past 12 months.
I would look in the mirror and still not see what I wanted. I would exhaust myself at physical therapy,
yoga, the gym and still see little change and feel so defeated. I would curse my brain for its slow reaction
and inability to articulate ideas and thoughts.
I would step onto a scale and chastise myself for doing too little. I would hurt and cry and then beat myself up
for being weak.
All these things seemed to stem from the simple track in my
mind that kept playing...."I JUST WANT TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME."
Oddly, just recently, a very simple thought occurred to
me. "This IS me! This IS who I am." It was a very sobering thought, yet I felt a
great sense of calm in the admission of it.
In reflecting, it occurred to me that even if I hadn't
gotten sick, I would have changed from that "old me" that I had
branded into my brain as the "ultimate." Somewhere along the way, I deluded myself
into a stagnant self-image. I let this
disease FREEZE and immortalize a self-image of youth, vigor, health, beauty,
wit and stamina that would not have stood the simple test of time, let alone a
life altering disease. I was in fact my
worst critic. I was and am the hardest
on myself. And I am fighting the
delusion that I have to be something that I am not anymore.
THIS IS ME! I am on
this path. I can't go back to 23 and
perfect, body, health and mind.....NO ONE CAN.
The hard part for me...for us, is that this disease takes these things
so quickly that we loose the time to adjust and in many cases, the emotional
and physical strength to balance and know that despite what physical changes
are caused....we are the same beautiful people that we were before. This disease, like many diseases can take so
much from us so quickly. And as our
heads are spinning in the fury of disbelief, we loose the ability to realize
that despite the waning of our physical bodies....our spirit remains in
fact...sometimes it retreats to a quiet place inside, but "WE" are
still the same persons.
I am learning to recognize myself as I am. I am learning to not judge myself so
harshly. I am leaning not to scorn
myself for my inabilities. I am learning
to love myself again. It isn't an easy
road. I am having to reacquaint myself
with many aspects of my personality and who I am...I am not the same is some
respects, but that is expected as time moves on....and I can't see wasting one
moment of the gift that this moment is in looking backward with hind-sight that
is 20/20...again, deluded by an inaccurate immortalization of a past time that
is no longer.
I have a future to think of and be hopeful! But most importantly, I have this very
moment! This second is a precious
gift! I can't with a clear conscience
waste the time I have right now!
I hope that you all remember that you are beautiful
people. You all give of yourselves and
listen and help and share. That is a
huge blessing in my life that I am very grateful for.
As a favor to me, because I know that you would all do
something for anyone of us that asked...Do me a favor and look in the mirror
and see yourself. Don't look at your
puffy cheeks, or your red-toned skin....Look at who you ARE. SEE YOURSELF CLEARLY and know that you are all
that you need to be!
I cherish you all.
There is never a day that I don't think of my family here and wish you
all health and happiness! Please
remember that you all deserve that and so much more! Remember that you are wonderful beautiful
people!
I am sending you all love and light and good thoughts!
Much love to everyone!
Autumn
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