Not Wanting Others To Know: Cushings and Self Esteem

My self-esteem shattered, I hated the idea of anyone knowing exactly what I was going through.  I hid details and facts and still find that I do the same thing.  There is something about having your life changed so quickly and drastically that initially scares you into pulling into yourself…Like a turtle into a shell.  The only safe place, the only place that gives you a sense of security…you own house, your own space.  Although, some of the most stringent opposition that I endured was my own critique. 

 It is so important to have a support system; someplace safe; a haven, even if it is from yourself. 

 Early on, I remember an emotional discussion that my husband one evening about sharing information with others.  Everything about my sickness, everything about my life was painfully personal and for medical purposes, I had to become uninhibited with the body that was no longer recognizable to me.  This was the same body that I had become so ashamed of over the past couple months.  The body that was now unrecognizable to me.  The flesh and blood that had become foreign to my own eyes.  All this combined brought me to a selfish request that I made to my husband: “Please, please, don’t share details with people without my consent.  Better yet, let me be the one to tell people what is going on.”  In the long run, this request, while completely understandable, and I would venture to say, normal in light of what was going on, this request hurt him AND me.  This request put up a barrier between us and everyone else.  This request alienated us from people that want to and might have been helpful to us.  This request hurt my husband because out of loyalty to me, he kept a lot of what he was going through to himself.  This request hurt me because there are people who, to this day, don’t understand the severity of what I deal with on a daily basis….what WE deal with on a daily basis.  It is so hurtful to have someone not recognize the limitations that I have.  I am offended when people don’t take the time to understand what I’ve been through and what I still face each day.  Obviously, no one will take an interest in my health like I expect them to.  Obviously, no one can understand what I go through each day.  But I have the realization that I could have made it easier for them to “be there” for me.  I could have, I should have, and I still need to let people in.  So much of what I went through, emotionally and physically, while very personal, I didn’t have to do it by myself.  I certainly could have used the extra support.  And I’ve come to the realization that those who chose to judge and evaluate me based on mere physical attributes, those people probably did it prior to CUSHINGS, and that character flaw has nothing to do with me.