Exactly a week ago, I saw a post from a fellow Cushie that
announced that Dr. Freidman was making an impromptu visit to Denver and would
be hosting an open house at his sister’s house.
I am not one of his patients, but I knew that name and I immediately
knew I HAD to go!
There were a couple hiccups that had to be ironed out. #1 – I was hosting a baby shower for a friend
at the exact time the open house was to take place. I hastily contacted my friend and all the
attendees and was, by the grace of God, able to shuffle the baby shower so that
I could attend the open house.
The second obstacle came about the very morning I was going
to attend the open house. I woke up late,
15 minutes prior to when the open house was supposed to start, started feeling
worse than I have in a long time. I told
my husband I couldn't do it and crawled back in bed. A few minutes later my husband gently woke me
and said, “This is important. Rest for a
few more minutes and then let’s go.”
To be perfectly honestly, it pissed me off. I knew he was right, but it hurt to move, let
alone get ready and face a group of people and another Doctor to boot!
Somehow I got dressed, (with only 2 major hissy fits) and
was out the door in record time. The
drive there proved no less annoying. My
poor husband could drive right, people were upsetting me left and right and I
had the overwhelming urge to burst into tears.
Let me back track for a just a moment…
I have been living a pretty self-tumultuous few months. (If I was totally honest, it’s been longer
than that, but that is the nature of my life)
I got sick over Labor Day and things have been shaky since then, but I
think that it was a pivotal point for me.
My job was stressing me out. I
was in tears almost every day at the thought of going in. My body was forcing me to pay attention
despite my argent efforts to avoid the obvious.
After almost 4 weeks of sinus infections,
kidney stones, ear infections, bronchitis, the flu and pneumonia, I gave notice
and walked away from my job. That
choice, while relieving, was not one that we could financially sustain for any
amount of time. SO, I pursued employment
and started a new job two weeks ago. It
never fails that when you are feeling your weakest, other issues rear their
heads and fester as well. So I welcomed
into the war I was waging, additional issues.
I was also planning and hosting a baby shower for a dear friend.
Sadly, the baby shower in itself was an emotional typhoon
that I had not thought through very well.
Let me clearly state that I don’t be-grudge anyone that brings a
precious life into this world – Actually – if I am totally honest, that isn’t
true either! I do be-grudge crack-whores
and people who neglect and abuse their children when I want so desperately to
have a child and can’t. However, my
point here is that I am excited for others and due to my love of children and
the very privilege of parenthood, I easily get caught up in the excitement and
forget that my involvement is ultimately very painful for me. But, that is a whole other session in a
therapy chair for me….
So, here I am, totally overwhelmed with my life. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. My capability to control my careening
emotions is next to non-existent, I’m starting a new job, I’m feeling worse physically
than I have in years and I have no choice to trudge forward. I am back to simple existence. I am waking to pain, taking pills, making it
through the day at work, coming home and barely completing the minimum that I
have to do to get by and then crawling back into bed as soon as I possibly
can. Things in my life are falling to
the wayside and I can’t muster up the “give a damn” to try and keep it
together. All I am doing is taking pills
to ease the pain as I force myself through the necessities, and then taking
pills to help me sleep through the rest.
It is nothing more than an existence and yet I feel guilty complaining
about my easy life compared to what others face. I have a house and a car and a job…but I feel
that the stress on the thin tread that I am hanging by is about to cause a huge
SNAP that is doing to be devastating. I
am overwhelmed.
Now, back to this morning and the pending open house that
Dr. Friedman is hosting…
We arrive, no thanks to me and my pathetic fits of rage, but
on the wings of my husbands enduring patience and understanding to which there
seems to be no end. (God help him – he is
a Saint!)
We were VERY late, but we were welcomed easily despite the
fact that our arrival into the living room caused a weird diversion and interruption
in the conversation. Realizing that I am
anxious and annoyed as the idea of yet another doctor scrutinizing me and
judging me, I’m quite sure the vibe I was giving off was assaulting.
The group seemed calm, welcoming and warm, but I was still
on edge…uncomfortable in my own skin as is the norm lately. As soon as there was a break in the
conversation, Dr. Friedman asked me about my experience. Now here is the part that is amazing. Within
moments of my arrival, without judgment, without test results, without medical
charts, without anything but his experience, Dr. Friedman said that I
undoubtedly had Cushing’s. He asked
about the size of my new tumor and said, as if it was no big deal, “That tumor
needs to be removed. I can help you. You
need to come see me.” Just like that…JUST
LIKE THAT! I was suddenly, without any
pomp and circumstance, VALIDATED!
It isn't that I don’t know that I have Cushing’s. I've been through this before. I've lived it. I know what my body is telling me and I know
that the doctors that I saw this spring were simply wrong, but I hadn't
realized how traumatic the whole scenario has been for me. It hadn't clicked in my head that I had
easily slipped into the danger zone of self-doubt that I warn everyone else
about.
As I mentioned earlier, I was late….REALLY late…to this
meeting, but the little time I was there was great. I listened to others who faced the same
terrors of being treated by the endocrine team at Denver’s Anchutz University
Hospital teams. I felt supported. I felt like Dr. Friedman understood. I felt like he could and would help me. I felt like I wasn't alone. I felt hopeful.
As I stood to leave, I caught a glimpse of myself in a
mirror that was hanging next to the door.
I was shocked. I didn't recognize
myself. I saw my round, red, swollen
face. I saw the pain etched into the
lines around my eyes. I saw someone that
I recognized, but it wasn't me. I was
propelled back to a day in the spring of 2005 before my first surgery. I remember clearly standing in front of the
mirror in my master bathroom and realizing I didn't know the person looking
back at me. But that same stranger is
EXACTLY who I saw today.
I have to admit, I was shocked. I am not oblivious to the progressive changes
in my health. I know that I've been
traveling down a slippery slope for some time.
I've been intentionally ignoring the signs and avoiding the truth. But, today the truth of the matter all but
slapped me in the face. Fortunately, the
visit with Dr. Friedman was validation that I needed to wake up and acknowledge
what I've been denying because I was, without even realizing it, believing what
the “bad doctors” were telling me. I not sick, I’m just fat. I believed it….but why?
WHY? Because it was
easy. That explanation is easy. That explanation wasn't scary. That explanation didn't require me to pull up
my big girl panties and admit that I needed to take action. But that is what I have to do.
I've learned some things about myself along the way. No one goes into battle and comes out the
other side the same person. This battle
with Cushing’s has changed me. I am a “live
in the moment” kinda girl these days. In
all honesty, I've always had those tendencies, but Cushing’s has made them even
more prevalent. I know that my time in
this lifetime is limited. As a result, I
don’t buy into the “planning for the future” philosophy…because I don’t know
that I will ever get there. What I do
know is that I have TODAY…and I want to take advantage of what I do have.
But here’s the thing…that thought process has made me
neglect and put aside what I know I need to do.
I have avoided what I know…I HAVE CUSHING’S and I need to actively
challenge this disease to have HOPE.
And, after today, I do have hope. I am hopeful that there are doctors out there
that can help us. I am hopeful that we
all find the courage to live our lives. I
am hopeful that we all get the opportunity to remember that we are not wrong
and that we do know our bodies better than anyone else. I am hopeful that the medical community will
become more aware and educated about Cushing’s.
I am hopeful that others will not suffer like so many of us do
today.
But most of all….I am hopeful that I can muster the courage
to pursue help. I am hopeful that Dr.
Friedman can help me. I am hopeful that
I will feel better. I am hopeful for my future.
