LOVE THY SELF? I don't think it's possible for me right now!

I am not fond of pictures of myself.  Honestly, I've never been very photogenic.  I attended the "re-shoot" opportunity for all of my school photos.  I, without fail, looked like I was mad or more often then not, I looked like I was about to sneeze.  

Cushing's and the changes that I can't control added another toxic layer to me "photo-self-loathing" issues that I've nurtured all my life.  

That being said, can you imagine the angst and terror that I began to feel when my work recently announced that we would be doing head shots to up put up on our website?  

Being of a certain age, and more importantly, as a woman, (not to mention a self-proclaimed shutter bug) I have managed to figure out what angle, lighting, camera position, stance, color, etc. are most flattering in a photo-op.  So, I was clinging to a small snip-it of hope that I would be able to have a discussion with the photographer and manipulate the small things that I could to possibly - fingers crossed - get a shot that was at least decent.  

The photographer was very insistent on doing things "his" way and presenting "his vision" and so not only was I pissed off, but the photos were terrible.  

When the head shots arrived to the office, I opened them and gasped!  JABA THE HUT was the first thing that came to my mind.  I felt the heat rise in my cheeks and the sting of tears fill my eyes.  I couldn't even look at them.  I closed the window, took a deep breathe and tried to relax, but I felt like someone had slugged me in the gut.  There is something so humiliating to see yourself in a way that is so out of line with the image in your head.  I actually felt ill.  

I used to think that my insecurities were the result of a commercial society that presents unrealistic expectations of what is beautiful.  And while I think that plays a huge role in the way we measure ourselves and the perspective of beauty, the truth is, Cushing's is an ugly disease.  

It attacks our physical personas.  It changes the face and body that peers back at us in the mirror.  Then it takes away the ability to do anything about it with pain and countless physical limitations.  

Recently, my younger brother was looking through pictures with my mom.  He said, (without intended malice), "Wow!  Autumn used to be so pretty...and so skinny!"  

I don't have delusions about my physical changes.  I know I am not the person that I used to be.  I am all too aware of many physical things that I don't like about myself.  But you know what I hate the worst???  I hate that I have forgotten how to love myself for more than just what I look like on the outside. 

An honest assessment of human tendency tells us that we tend to be very influenced by the "candy shell."  The things we purchase, the places we go, the cars we drive, the houses we live in - they all initially appeal to us visually.  It isn't necessarily about persuasion to begin with.  It's about a quick initial response.  If I respond negatively - finding myself ugly, undesirable and repulsive - I am not naive enough to think that others don't make the same assessments and judgments.  And honestly, that hurts!  It cuts deep into my self worth and it leaves a cancerous knot of doubt and self-loathing.  

The question that I pose to myself is:  How can I love something about myself that I loathe so much? And heaven forbid I contemplate these thoughts when I have on a cortisol "high."  That is the perfect storm!  The spiral into despair is close to follow.  

I wish that I could close this particular entry with a personal "call to action" - something that I am going to work on - a goal - a positive plan to help myself....but I can't.  The typical cliche saying make me want to lash out.  "True beauty is on the inside."  BITE ME!    "If you feel beautiful you are."  F#$& OFF! 

This is my personal cross to bear right now in my life, but the problem is I don't know how to move forward.  I can't get over myself.  I can't think of a possible personal characteristic or charm that could battle and win this monster that has changed my physical appearance and left me feeling so terrible about myself.  

DAMN YOU CUSHING'S!