HOLDING A GRUDGE vs. a game of TRUTH OR DARE

I saw this quote today:  "Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head." 

Quite honestly, I read it and passed right on without a second thought.  But, a few minutes later, something began to resonate from somewhere deep inside me and I went back to read it again.  And then, I read it and re-read it.  Slowly something like a chill took over me.  It began in my toes and I could feel the icy realization as it began to chill in my veins. 

I am holding the “mother” of all grudges! 

The truth - I go about my life as it is today letting Cushing’s Disease live rent free in my head.  The fact is, the first tumor that railroaded me was “in my head” and part deux is yet again, “living in my head.”  The irony is not lost on me.  But, irony aside, the fact remains, while I was not able to control whether or not I got Cushing’s, I am able to control whether or not I allow continue to allow Cushing’s to control my life and that re-gained control starts with:  The dare – letting go of the grudge. 

The question for me is I how do I let go?  How do I accept my losses?  How do I come to terms with the “can’ts?”  How do I live a life in a body that is foreign to me?  How to I reassess and figure out who I am when I can’t reconcile what I think with my reality?  How do I let go of the pain?  How do I accept this new truth?  Do I dare?

((((Big long, heavy sigh))))

If I was to be honest with myself, I would have to admit that I might in fact be attached to my grudge.  If I continue in this painful vein of honesty, I would have to admit that as much as I detest the weakness I embody as a result of Cushing’s, I have grown all too accustom to having the “excuse” to fall back on.  I might actually rely on the “out” that I have if I fail at something.  If I can’t keep up the pace on a hike, I can blame Cushing’s for the muscle fatigue and pain.  If my husband is disappointed and I feel guilty and end up crying, I can blame the Cushing’s for the emotional instability and tears. 

((((Cringe))))

If I am honest here, and accept the painful truth, the painful truth is that I have grown all too accustom to the grudge.  That is the truth – a truth that I cannot deny. 

Damn it!  What a realization. 

In the same vein of honesty, I will admit that when I started writing this, I didn’t anticipate this realization.  But, as it turns out, I created my own therapy session.  Interesting.  Turns out analyzing my grudge brought me to my truth.  The question now stands: 

“Do I have the strength and do I dare step away from the crutch of my illness to figure out and possibly redefine who I am today?” 

God help me...I just don't know.