Sunday, November 10, 2013

A Beacon Of Hope – Dr. Friedman’s Impromptu Visit to Denver


Exactly a week ago, I saw a post from a fellow Cushie that announced that Dr. Freidman was making an impromptu visit to Denver and would be hosting an open house at his sister’s house.  I am not one of his patients, but I knew that name and I immediately knew I HAD to go! 

There were a couple hiccups that had to be ironed out.  #1 – I was hosting a baby shower for a friend at the exact time the open house was to take place.  I hastily contacted my friend and all the attendees and was, by the grace of God, able to shuffle the baby shower so that I could attend the open house. 

The second obstacle came about the very morning I was going to attend the open house.  I woke up late, 15 minutes prior to when the open house was supposed to start, started feeling worse than I have in a long time.  I told my husband I couldn't do it and crawled back in bed.  A few minutes later my husband gently woke me and said, “This is important.  Rest for a few more minutes and then let’s go.” 

To be perfectly honestly, it pissed me off.  I knew he was right, but it hurt to move, let alone get ready and face a group of people and another Doctor to boot! 

Somehow I got dressed, (with only 2 major hissy fits) and was out the door in record time.  The drive there proved no less annoying.  My poor husband could drive right, people were upsetting me left and right and I had the overwhelming urge to burst into tears. 

Let me back track for a just a moment…

I have been living a pretty self-tumultuous few months.  (If I was totally honest, it’s been longer than that, but that is the nature of my life)  I got sick over Labor Day and things have been shaky since then, but I think that it was a pivotal point for me.  My job was stressing me out.  I was in tears almost every day at the thought of going in.  My body was forcing me to pay attention despite my argent efforts to avoid the obvious.    After almost 4 weeks of sinus infections, kidney stones, ear infections, bronchitis, the flu and pneumonia, I gave notice and walked away from my job.  That choice, while relieving, was not one that we could financially sustain for any amount of time.  SO, I pursued employment and started a new job two weeks ago.  It never fails that when you are feeling your weakest, other issues rear their heads and fester as well.  So I welcomed into the war I was waging, additional issues.  I was also planning and hosting a baby shower for a dear friend. 

Sadly, the baby shower in itself was an emotional typhoon that I had not thought through very well.  Let me clearly state that I don’t be-grudge anyone that brings a precious life into this world – Actually – if I am totally honest, that isn’t true either!  I do be-grudge crack-whores and people who neglect and abuse their children when I want so desperately to have a child and can’t.  However, my point here is that I am excited for others and due to my love of children and the very privilege of parenthood, I easily get caught up in the excitement and forget that my involvement is ultimately very painful for me.  But, that is a whole other session in a therapy chair for me….

So, here I am, totally overwhelmed with my life.  I feel like I am hanging on by a thread.  My capability to control my careening emotions is next to non-existent, I’m starting a new job, I’m feeling worse physically than I have in years and I have no choice to trudge forward.  I am back to simple existence.  I am waking to pain, taking pills, making it through the day at work, coming home and barely completing the minimum that I have to do to get by and then crawling back into bed as soon as I possibly can.  Things in my life are falling to the wayside and I can’t muster up the “give a damn” to try and keep it together.  All I am doing is taking pills to ease the pain as I force myself through the necessities, and then taking pills to help me sleep through the rest.  It is nothing more than an existence and yet I feel guilty complaining about my easy life compared to what others face.  I have a house and a car and a job…but I feel that the stress on the thin tread that I am hanging by is about to cause a huge SNAP that is doing to be devastating.  I am overwhelmed.

Now, back to this morning and the pending open house that Dr. Friedman is hosting…

We arrive, no thanks to me and my pathetic fits of rage, but on the wings of my husbands enduring patience and understanding to which there seems to be no end.  (God help him – he is a Saint!)

We were VERY late, but we were welcomed easily despite the fact that our arrival into the living room caused a weird diversion and interruption in the conversation.  Realizing that I am anxious and annoyed as the idea of yet another doctor scrutinizing me and judging me, I’m quite sure the vibe I was giving off was assaulting. 

The group seemed calm, welcoming and warm, but I was still on edge…uncomfortable in my own skin as is the norm lately.  As soon as there was a break in the conversation, Dr. Friedman asked me about my experience.  Now here is the part that is amazing.    Within moments of my arrival, without judgment, without test results, without medical charts, without anything but his experience, Dr. Friedman said that I undoubtedly had Cushing’s.  He asked about the size of my new tumor and said, as if it was no big deal, “That tumor needs to be removed.  I can help you. You need to come see me.”  Just like that…JUST LIKE THAT!  I was suddenly, without any pomp and circumstance, VALIDATED! 

It isn't that I don’t know that I have Cushing’s.  I've been through this before.  I've lived it.  I know what my body is telling me and I know that the doctors that I saw this spring were simply wrong, but I hadn't realized how traumatic the whole scenario has been for me.  It hadn't clicked in my head that I had easily slipped into the danger zone of self-doubt that I warn everyone else about. 

As I mentioned earlier, I was late….REALLY late…to this meeting, but the little time I was there was great.  I listened to others who faced the same terrors of being treated by the endocrine team at Denver’s Anchutz University Hospital teams.  I felt supported.  I felt like Dr. Friedman understood.  I felt like he could and would help me.  I felt like I wasn't alone.  I felt hopeful. 
 
As I stood to leave, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror that was hanging next to the door.  I was shocked.  I didn't recognize myself.  I saw my round, red, swollen face.  I saw the pain etched into the lines around my eyes.  I saw someone that I recognized, but it wasn't me.  I was propelled back to a day in the spring of 2005 before my first surgery.  I remember clearly standing in front of the mirror in my master bathroom and realizing I didn't know the person looking back at me.  But that same stranger is EXACTLY who I saw today. 

I have to admit, I was shocked.  I am not oblivious to the progressive changes in my health.  I know that I've been traveling down a slippery slope for some time.  I've been intentionally ignoring the signs and avoiding the truth.  But, today the truth of the matter all but slapped me in the face.  Fortunately, the visit with Dr. Friedman was validation that I needed to wake up and acknowledge what I've been denying because I was, without even realizing it, believing what the “bad doctors” were telling me. I not sick, I’m just fat.  I believed it….but why?

WHY?  Because it was easy.  That explanation is easy.  That explanation wasn't scary.  That explanation didn't require me to pull up my big girl panties and admit that I needed to take action.  But that is what I have to do. 

I've learned some things about myself along the way.  No one goes into battle and comes out the other side the same person.  This battle with Cushing’s has changed me.  I am a “live in the moment” kinda girl these days.  In all honesty, I've always had those tendencies, but Cushing’s has made them even more prevalent.  I know that my time in this lifetime is limited.  As a result, I don’t buy into the “planning for the future” philosophy…because I don’t know that I will ever get there.  What I do know is that I have TODAY…and I want to take advantage of what I do have. 

But here’s the thing…that thought process has made me neglect and put aside what I know I need to do.  I have avoided what I know…I HAVE CUSHING’S and I need to actively challenge this disease to have HOPE. 

And, after today, I do have hope.  I am hopeful that there are doctors out there that can help us.  I am hopeful that we all find the courage to live our lives.  I am hopeful that we all get the opportunity to remember that we are not wrong and that we do know our bodies better than anyone else.  I am hopeful that the medical community will become more aware and educated about Cushing’s.  I am hopeful that others will not suffer like so many of us do today. 

But most of all….I am hopeful that I can muster the courage to pursue help.  I am hopeful that Dr. Friedman can help me.  I am hopeful that I will feel better.  I am hopeful for my future. 


No comments:

Post a Comment