I'm Verklempt - I Need a Moment

My health has recently taken a severe change - for the worse.  I'm sure the change in pace (a recent 17 day business trip to Florida following a very stressful time at work) didn't help, but in all honesty – it has been coming – like a freight train barreling down the track that I refused to acknowledge.  Avoidance = non-existence, right? 

Somehow I have been getting by with that sentiment.  Or at least I am getting very good at deluding myself into believing that.  It seems however, that I am really having problems getting back on track.  Not only am I facing some severe physical symptoms, but, typical of a Cushie on a hormonal tirade, I am unable to keep my emotional self in check.  I am all over the map.  “From Exasperation to Tears And Back Again In 6 Seconds” (That would make a great book title!) 

I know my immune system was/is weak, and I've been ignoring so many health issues for far too long. And so, the question that inevitably arises is - WHY?  Why would someone, (me), who advocates awareness, not giving up, etc. practice avoidance? 

Under some examination the answer seems pretty simple - Selfishness.   I have simply been selfish.  I want to do what I want to do.  I want to live a life that "I" control - not an illness.  I want to go and do freely and not think about pain, pills, tests, doctor visits, insurance, payflex, out of pocket expenses, diagnosis, bad days, terrible pictures, etc.  I refused to focus on the so many things that I couldn’t/can't do. – So many things that I feel have been stolen from me. – So many "can'ts"…so many "if onlys"...so many "What did I do to deserve this?...and whatever it was - God, I'm so very sorry!"  I've turned my back on all of it because I simply - selfishly - was flipping my reality the proverbial bird - Sticking out my tongue (if you will) and yelling, "You can't make me!"  

I've become masterful at this avoidance game.  I am queen of my pretend “Everything is Okay” world.  In this pretend world, it isn’t fatigue and muscle pain that made me avoid skiing this season – It was time and money.  Oddly enough there was time and money for my husband to go.  In this pretend world, it isn’t a deficient immune system that has made me susceptible to illness after illness over the past year – It was all the sick people around me.  Oddly enough there has been no epidemic outbreak in my area.  In this pretend world, it isn’t hormones that have prevented us from having children – It was just not “meant to be.”  Oddly enough this cliché answer simply doesn’t sit well with me.  In this pretend world, it isn’t my body attacking itself and deteriorating muscles that end hikes in the mountains or strolls on the beaches of Miami – It was just the fact that I my week had been hectic and I needed to rest.  In this pretend world, it isn’t brain fog or migraines that have zapped my creative inspiration in painting and photography causing me to cancel my first ever public art show – It was just lack of time.  In this pretend world I didn't have to face the real issues.  There was always an excuse and somehow the monster that is Cushing’s had been willing to lie in the corner. 

But here’s the crazy thing about monsters in the corner.  They aren’t really docile.  They aren’t really contained.  They are simply “lying in wait” and at some point, they will require…no…they will demand your attention. 

Now, I am finding myself in a position of duress.  My monster has risen and has in turn, backed me into a corner and is demanding my attention.   

The worst part about this is the guilt that comes with this realization.  Yes, it is my fault.  My weakness and desire to just have some symbolism of normalcy has clouded my sensibility for quite some time.  Sadly, that means that I have not only found myself in the midst of some dire symptoms while visiting the depths of despair, but I have drug my husband down with me.  As much as I feel punished, I realize that I have punished him so much more severely.  I have, by means of my selfishness, and pushing the limits so much further than I should have, I have forced him into a place of uncertainty and anguish while he watches me face the consequences of my selfish action. 

 

Selfish Bitch!