"I was just wondering if you think that Cushing's Disease changes who you was as a person - personality wise - coming out totally different - and not for the better either?"
Here was my reply:
Wow! That is a loaded question - but the simple answer for me is 'YES.' Let me try to explain. I hope I can articulate this in a way that makes sense.
I am a totally different person than I was and the part that is the most difficult for me is that I am also a completely different person from who I thought I would be.
Don't get me wrong. I understand that people change as they get older. I understand that life changes people and their perspectives as well. But, I feel, for me, that it is different. I am of the personal opinion that life and life experience adds character to the personality off a person. And life changes people, it is usually for the better.
However, I falter when I take into consideration of myself and the changes in who I am as a result of having Cushing's. I don't feel like it has enhanced the person that I am. I don't feel that it has given my personality quirks that could be considered character. I feel that Cushing's has brought to the forefront and developed in me some personality characteristics/demons that I would otherwise have not faced. And of course, when standing face to face or shoulder to shoulder with demons, it only makes sense to me that some of the ugliness rubs off onto someone. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to justify the "ugly." I just think I have to recognize and admit that it is there.
When I look at who I am today, I undoubtedly see strength. But I also see rough edges and hardness, too. I see tattered raged edges that can no longer be smoothed out. I see someone who is, plain and simple, lacking in patience, empathy and compassion. I see someone who gets frustrated easily, doesn't put up with much and who simply doesn't want to bother herself with putting out the effort when I know there will be nothing in return. Shoot - Sometimes, I don't put myself out there or invest time and energy when I know there would be return...and the only reason I can conjure is I simply don't want to or don't care.
The worst part, as I mentioned, is that I see these things about myself and I don't like them, but I don't want to or simply can't find it in myself to want to change.
Cushing's is a funny thing. For most of us, it attacks us and steals our lives away. It attacks our physical bodies and then deprives us of the hormones that we need to repair our self esteem and balance our emotions. Cushing's is pure evil.
There are bits, of what I consider my eternal soul, that sometimes peek though the sludge that is Cushing's in my life. These slivers of who I was, are strongly rooted in optimism. While they are minute fragments of what once was, they are strong. Somehow they keep me tethered to the last little bits of who I was - of who I thought I would be in life. I do believe that is where my strength to go on comes from. I know that my hope springs from that part of my soul. I rely on those little fragments to keep me going. It is like a little glimpse of 'me' that I treasure. At the same time, that little glimpse angers me, because I can't imagine the amazing person I could have been if my destiny would not have been Cushing's.
All that being said, I like to think that I am supposed to learn something from all this. Maybe it is just a delusion that I like to indulge, but I like to believe that I still have the opportunity to grow from this - if only I can figure out how. And so, the torture continues.
My fear in all this is that I will alienate all those who I love as a result of simply being an ugly person in the meantime. I would be devastated to lose my husband. He is so important to me and yet I worry about him just giving up and walking away from all this crap. And the worst part about that is that I wouldn't blame him. For goodness sake, I want to simply walk away from this misery EVERY day of my life!
So, that was a bit a rant.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
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